Freedom. It is something I long for and something that terrifies me. Just like the flag in some ways the idea of freedom has been polluted by those whose are ideologically positioned on the far right. The idea of freedom can even be a bit of a turn off for me as it is so intertwined with values that seem in opposition to my own. This year, however, I have chosen the word freedom to signify my personal journey. My call to action as well as my call to authentic being.
Wow, the previous year was a doozie! If I am being honest, this is an oft repeated sentiment each year as I take the old calendar down and carefully hang the new one in its place. I recently caught a clip of a video featuring a coach giving a motivational speech and she said something like, “life doesn’t get easier, we just get better at hard.” I felt that. It seemed to be such a profound truth. Now I can’t say that I have been actively anticipating life getting easier, but deep down I have sure hoped it would. This hoping has left me shocked as one year turns into another and I hear myself say, “Well, that was a really hard year.” I am astonished each time. Learning to do hard better if nothing else seems more realistic. That may sound a bit dark. A negative lens with which to view the world, but I am not hearing it that way. I am hearing it as an action plan. Accepting life on life’s terms. I am getting better at hard. I have handled and will handle things I never dreamed possible. I am finding my way through challenges that I could never have anticipated. I am getting better at hard.
I think for me this is where freedom comes in. There is a freedom in acceptance. There is a freedom in not expecting easy when hard seems to be more predictable. Freedom from the hope of easy. Freedom from comparing my life with others. Freedom from systems and people who drain my energy and sap my joy. Freedom from my inner critic, always ready to illuminate my flaws and fill me with guilt and shame. Yes, this is a year of freedom.
On Martin Luther King Day this year, a day set aside for celebrating freedom from oppression as well as a day to stay committed to all the work still to do, I got my first tattoo. An infinity circle with a break, signifying openness with the word freedom written in that break. I have been thinking about this tattoo for several months. Knowing I needed a tangible symbol of my commitment to never be bound again. Not by the church, not by family, and most importantly not by myself. I have allowed these chains; I have reinforced them. I have invented some of them, so as not to make any waves. People pleasing is a chain. Sacrificing myself is a chain. Allowing mistreatment is a chain. I am beginning to see that my understanding of God and my faith have been chains as well.
I grew up in a what I thought was a very good home. I had a mother and father who loved me, involved grandparents, all my physical needs met. My brother and I were often reminded that our family was perfect. I believed this, at least part of me did. My deepest and truest self seemed to struggle with the dichotomy between what I was being told and the feelings I felt. Writing this is painful, it feels like a betrayal. Facing truths and accepting the ways my earliest memories have wired my brain is sobering.
In 2023, my anthem cry from the depths of my inner being will be a cry for freedom. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I am free at last.
Freedom comes at a cost. Freedom really isn’t free. It is becoming clear to me what being free means in terms of loss. To be free is to lose the story of my family that has felt untrue for so long, but I still found myself wanting desperately to believe. It comes with a loss of innocence; it very much feels like the veil has been lifted and there is no going back. No more going back to the familiar, albeit confining and painful. My choices diminished, the choice to go back no longer available and the only option is to go forward into the unknown, uncomfortable, unclear future. And that is a loss too. My tattoo is more than symbol of my newfound freedom. It is an insurance policy against getting sucked back into the vortex.
As a kid, going to the amusement park each summer was a thrill. I loved roller coasters. I loved the speed, the wind in my hair, the fear, and the delight. I was happy to wait patiently in line for a few moments of adventurous pleasure. I didn’t like the bumper cars though. I didn’t like being in control of my own destiny. I preferred to allow someone else to be in charge. And that is kind of what it feels like now. I have gotten off the roller coaster, which at this point in my adult life makes me nauseous and gives me a pounding headache and have jumped into a bumper car. It is loud and other riders are bumping into me with smiling faces. I am trying to get out of the corner, but I find myself afraid.
I feel free but I also feel untethered. As confining as my chains have been, they have also kept me from being fully responsible for my own life. I did what my parents wanted me to do, I did what I thought each of the churches we served wanted me to do. I followed the voice of my inner critic making sure I never did anything that would bring any unwanted attention. Now that I am breaking free from the old shackles that held me so tightly, I feel wobbly and unsure of my footing.
My journey toward authenticity has brought me here. It has led me deep into the unknown. I am straining toward the future. The fog so thick I cannot see much beyond my present life. But I know that freedom will take me the rest of the way. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.”
I am taking the first step. Hanging onto the handrail, taking deep breaths, carefully placing my foot on that next step. As I look up to what is ahead, I strain to see the steps before me. Glancing over my shoulder I see that this is not my first step. It is just one of many that I have taken since reaching adulthood. As I continue on, I have my tattoo as a reminder to stay open to whatever comes my way in 2023. I am getting better at hard. I am standing with my shoulders back, my head held high and my heart pressing on as I whisper to no one in particular, “freedom.”
It has been a journey and will continue to be as I figure out to authentically navigate this new world of freedom. Thanks for your caring support.
Annie, thank you for your honesty and bravery. I am in awe of your perseverance as you break away from old structures that no longer serve you and venture into a future that, though unknown, calls to you from a place deep within. Carry on, wise and beautiful woman. Freedom!