Her Children Will Rise Up

Dreams lost and Better Dreams Realized

I shared my birthday experience with all of you in my last blog.  I am finding myself still smiling as I remember parts of that day.  It has continued to bring me joy.  I think the best part of that day or maybe the most significant part was the fact that it was about me.  This year of being free from my mother has allowed me to see with fresh eyes the things that I had grown blind to, excusing them away because that is just the way it is. 

I bring up my birthday because it gave me pause.  I received such lovely cards with handwritten notes from my children.  My husband Kurt has a gift of writing the most meaningful and heartfelt notes in the cards he showers me with on all occasions.  I think all my children have inherited this gift from him.

All this got me to thinking about the connection between my birthday and my deconstruction journey.  There are plenty of avenues of connection here, but one really stuck out to me.  I got to thinking about how many times in my church life Proverbs 31 was used as an example perfect womanhood. The verses were shared as a way of celebrating women while at the same time creating an impossible role model for women to emulate.  As a young mother, fully invested in church culture, I dreamed of the day my children would, “arise and call [me] blessed” (Proverbs 31:28).  Seeking to be a Godly wife, a Godly mother.  Praying with and for my children, teaching them the ways of God.  Helping them process the things in their lives through what we called a “Godly lens.”  Wanting so much for them.  Seeing them in service somewhere, living their lives for Jesus. 

To that end, life in our 1990’s Christian home was filled with Christian music, Veggie Tales and Christian picture books that spoke of the goodness of God and the wonder of creation.  I did all this while trying to also encourage them to be themselves, to be brave, to march to the beat of their own drums.

By the time my kids hit their teens, my dreams began to unravel. At least the very narrow dream that I had envisioned.  I enjoyed my kids and supported the many ways they wanted to express themselves.  If that was through music, great.  If they loved sports, wonderful.  If it was art, amazing. And as they tried on different versions of themselves, I tried to support that too.  There were turbulent times, maybe a turbulent decade.  A time when a couple of them moved toward a lifestyle not of my choosing.  In fact, that became one of the many mantras that helped me to push forward.  I would say as my teens grew into adults, “I don’t get to choose.”  It brought me some bit of peace that I wasn’t responsible for their choices as they each moved into adulthood.

My oldest child, born Randy, transitioned into Kaylie when she was 27.  I would love to say I was so evolved that I was able to easily embrace each phase of this process.  To say my oldest has followed the beat of her own drum is an understatement for sure.  She has been so gracious to me and allowed me to express my fears while holding space for me to move toward acceptance.  I am so thankful for her kindness and patience.  I see her today as a beautiful, kind soul who makes me proud to be her mother.  Our relationship has only grown, and I think of what I might have missed if I hadn’t found the strength to get out of my own way. Letting go of my dream for her and embracing the dream she has for herself.

My second child Emmy is also her own person.  She and I have shared a special bond from the beginning.  She is smart and funny and creative.  Her work ethic is off the charts.  During High School she suffered from migraines, the medications often worse than the headaches themselves.  We were reappointed the summer before her senior year, a terrible time to move a teenager.  She handled that with a maturity far older than her years.  After college she married and moved out of state to start her new life with her wonderful husband, Rhodes. This was not in my dream for her, I wanted her close to me but her big, brave, dream eclipsed mine.  I am so proud of the life she has made for herself, that she has felt the freedom to make her life her own.

KJ was born just shy of two years after Emmy.  He has always been my sunshine.  High School for him as well as Emmy meant moving to a new school and having to find his place.  He did that well, but those years were tumultuous for Kurt and I as we navigated the challenges that teens find so irresistible and parents find so terrifying.  It broke my heart when he made choices that were outside what I wanted for him, a dream lost.  But he is an exceptional person with a kind heart.  He is living his life on his terms. He is a good friend, and loving partner to Mak.  He makes me proud when I see the things he does and the adventures he bravely pursues.

Calvin our baby, was the cutest little guy.  He had such a way about him growing up the youngest of four.  He has always loved life and even loved school.  He came out as gay when he was about 16.  Kurt and I had known, or at lease suspected it when he was 2 years old.  His interests in just about everything but sports, trucks, army play and many of the other things that are typical of boys.  He also seemed to gravitate toward his girl classmates.  I thought he was gay but a big part of me honestly hoped it wasn’t true. I thought my fears of him being gay were fears for him but realize now they were more for myself.  He is small in stature, but he towers over anyone in the room with his poise, confidence, and wonderful humor.  He lives far away too, living his own life, a life he has orchestrated himself. His dream being so much better than mine.

All my children are funny, and I love being with them because they make me laugh.  I love that they feel free to tease me and tell the things I need to hear.  I find their honesty so refreshing as our relationship is strong and we know each other’s hearts.

I realized as I read the cards from my children on my birthday, cards chosen with sentiments that made me see that the important things that my children needed in life I somehow was able to provide.  Not always, but enough and they appreciate me.  And it really felt like, these children of mine have made my dreams come true.  Not the narrow, unrealistic dream of a young mother fully immersed in the church, but the real life big expansive dream, the limits of which we may never know.  A dream that has a chance to continue to grow and evolve over time to fit in any new information that may come.  I also realized that it is not my godliness or my perfect imitation of the Proverbs 31 women that has impacted my children the most, it is much simpler than that.  It is my humanity recognizing their humanity.  It is my willingness to see my own faults, to ask for forgiveness.  It was my decision to choose to love first.  I recently told my friend Dale when I was a guest on his podcast that I have chosen to love whatever version of my children that walks through my door.  And love wins.  It really does.

My children have “risen up” and called me blessed and I am so thankful that they didn’t get stuck in my vision of themselves but found their own way.  It is so much better.