Outside Together

Where being an outsider makes you an insider

 I have been thinking a lot about this idea of being on the outside.  Feeling on the outside, feeling like I didn’t fit in like I didn’t belong. Not having access to the inside has been with me for as long as I can remember.  Maybe you have felt that too. I would like to create a place where you can be yourself and your outsider status is what makes you an insider.  Here we are outside together.

This blog started as a way to examine my life of faith freely and deeply.  A place where honesty has been valued over Christian platitudes.  Growing up in the faith and 30-plus years as a pastor’s wife taught me the “right” words to respond with.  I carefully monitor myself to not be a stumbling block to someone else’s faith. There have been so many times that I heard the words coming out of my mouth while wondering if I even believed them myself.  Wanting to share them with others because that was the Christian way while not knowing if they were my way anymore.  What a weird experience. This put me on the outside.  It seemed to me, that my friends and other people of faith in my circle were fully invested in these beliefs and because they were hard for me, I felt outside. 

In the process of renaming this newsletter, I came up with many ideas and one of them was Outsider on the Inside because so often that was my experience.  I was seemingly inside while feeling outside.  My insides were outside while my outsides were inside.  It is this disconnect between what my insides were feeling and what my outsides were being told that has characterized my life.  From the child who felt upset but was chastised for being upset rather than comforted to the adult who took on the role of the pastor’s wife.  Godly woman of the church.  Who by the way is full of grace, never gets her feelings hurt, always puts the church first, and has it all together all the time. I certainly never lived up to these unwritten expectations.

In my own family of origin, I belonged as long as I contributed to the family and put the family above all else.  When I left for college, I was essentially cast out of my tenuous insider position.  I was never able to regain insider status, no matter what I did for the family. I was expected to be there, to put the family first, even ahead of my husband and children, and yet still take my seat on the outside.

This manifested itself over and over again, with friendships in school, with family events, in the 6 churches we served, in work settings, and in groups I have joined.  It makes me wonder if I am so good at being on the outside that I no longer make efforts to connect.  Is it some self-fulfilling prophecy?  Are the vibes I am sending out telling others not to include me?

Have you ever felt like this?  What if we create our community for those of us who have learned to survive on the outside?  Maybe together we can examine our negative feelings about not fitting in, not being included, and not belonging. 

It is work letting go of the safeguards I have put in place to protect my heart from rejection.  It has taken years of therapy to understand my dysfunctional family where many of these protections originate.  Understanding these patterns can help me to create new ones.  I can also see that I don’t want to belong to every group.  There are groups that no longer work for me.  And that is ok.  I will maintain my outsider role in many of the groups I have outgrown or moved on from.  I am seeking authenticity.  Spaces where I do not have to alter myself to “fit in.”  

If you have ever felt like you were on the outside, share your comments below.  Let’s be Outside Together.