Overwhelmed and Determined

Human Kindness as Resistance

I am flummoxed! I am perplexed, flabbergasted, confused and baffled. I am angry, scared, disappointed and heartbroken. I have no previous experiences to draw on that can help me make sense of the state of not only our country but of Christianity. I am tired, worn out from trying to understand, trying to find some common ground. There are times when panic sets in and I feel my chest tighten, my breath become shallow. It feels like being held against my will; it feels claustrophobic. I breath and I breath and I cry, and shout and I pull myself together and play with my new puppy or make my grocery list or clean the bathtub. All of these simple things urging me back to the familiar. The things I can control.

In my work as a counselor, it is my job to hold the hope in the room. With my devastated clients it is exhausting to try to help them find anything hopeful right now. And with my overjoyed clients it is exhausting too, just in a different way. Both sides gathering their information from different sources, interpreting events in real time, and coming to vastly different conclusions. All of it requiring energy as I seek to live out my values of kindness, openness, acceptance, and seeing the good in others.

It has been almost five years since I have attended church regularly. It has been over two years since I walked away from my mother, it has been almost four years since Kurt retired from full time ministry. Time and space do change things. I am more in touch with myself, less motivated by people pleasing and fear of judgment and criticism. I am more comfortable in my own skin and surer of what matters most to me.

For most of my life, I have viewed the world through a Christian lens. My faith informing my decisions, my opinions, my ideals and my values. I have been surprised by many things since I walked away from organized religion. Mainly, that I have remained me. I have not been swallowed up by a “life of sin.” I am not riddled by guilt for not being, “in the Word,” every day. I have found more room for compassion, more openness to difference, and freedom in not having to agree with or understand literally EVERYTHING. I am allowing more space for ambiguity and less room for certainty. Contrary to the fears that kept me invested in a system that I could not escape; I am finding my humanity outside the walls that once taught me that anything human was not to be trusted. Freedom for me has come in the form of unconditional positive regard. It is liberating, not spending so much energy on judgement and discernment. Emancipation coming in the form of not knowing all the answers.

My newfound freedom, expanding while fears of losing freedom are at an all-time high. Isn’t that an interesting dichotomy. I chose not to watch the inauguration on the 20^th. For the next four years I will be actively participating in the resistance. I will be looking for ways to support the marginalized. I will be continuing my pursuit of banned books. I will be seeking community and caring for those around me. I will find ways to love others, to care about the poor and the unhoused. I will find ways to work for equality in my community. I will work to be the best human I can be and fight hate, distrust, bigotry, racism, patriarchy and unkindness at every turn. How, you might ask, will I follow through on this? Mostly by being a real and fallible human, by recognizing my limits, by listening, by taking care of myself. I will get up each day, continue to write in my gratitude journal, even when it is hard, especially when it is hard. I will meet with friends, I will walk my dogs and feed the birds that frequent my backyard feeders. I will acknowledge my despair and then do something good, however small and insignificant, and it will seem small and insignificant. I will read Heather Cox Richardson” Letters from an American every day, Letters from an American. I will continue to follow Diana Butler Bass, The Cottage, Nadia Bolz Weber,The Corners Kristin Du Mez,Du Mez Connections, and other Substack bloggers I discover along the way. I will read the New York Times daily and limit my time on social media. I will cook delicious food, read great books, and spend time in deep conversation with my husband. What will you do? What does your resistance look like? Share your ideas below.

And when I feel panicked, and I will feel that claustrophobic tightness in my chest many times over the next four years, I will remind myself that somehow we will get through this. We will come out stronger and surer of what we value; surer of what is truly important.