Understanding is Good, but not Always Necessary

Compassion vs. Judgment

I have been on this deconstruction journey for so long now that I am ready for a new way of defining it.  A new step perhaps, a place between deconstruction and reconstruction.  I feel like I am in the mushy middle, a necessary but uncomfortable and indefinable space.  I am finding this process to be much like making brown butter.  I love the nutty, smokey flavor that brown butter adds to baked goods.  If you have never browned butter, it requires full attention. There are several transformations that the butter goes through. The butter sizzles, foams, and gently cooks into a nutty and caramelized ingredient. I describe it this way; it’s yellow, it's white, it’s golden, it’s golden, it’s golden, it’s brown, it’s burnt.  It seems to take forever and then suddenly, its ruined. I worry that somewhere along the way as I deconstruct what has taken a lifetime to construct, I might take my attention away for just a moment and forfeit it all. Burn the butter and lose all the steps I have so attentively observed only to throw it all out in the end.  I don’t want this to be the outcome.  But just like the process of browning butter the middle seems long and somewhat uninspiring. 

My mushy middle has led me to a place of meta-understanding. Meta anything is the act of doing the thing. Meta-analysis would be analyzing analysis. Meta-emotions refer to how I feel about my feelings, Meta-thinking is thinking about my thinking and my thoughts.  Meta-understanding then is understanding what it means to understand.  Understanding used as a noun means to comprehend, master, grasp or perceive something. Used as an adjective it can defined as being sympathetic, compassionate, considerate, sensitive, tender, and kind. As I continue to evolve in my faith, I am using understanding as a noun and as an adjective.  My understanding is changing and growing.

Understanding is good but understanding is not always necessary.  Stephen Covey has included understanding in his 7 Habits of Highly Successful People.  Habit 5 states: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Is Covey calling us to simply understand or comprehend (noun) or is it also a call to show sympathy and compassion (adjective)? It seems to me it is a invitation to comprehend what the other is saying and to do so with compassion, sensitivity and kindness.  As humans one of our core needs is to be known, to belong and to be understood.  Being understood is to be validated.  And validation is life giving.  Seeking to understand and feeling understood provides a safe place where community flourishes.

A phenomenon I have recently been observing doesn’t involve using understanding as either a noun or an adjective.  It is the use of understanding as a verb with synonyms including, appreciating, fathoming, grasping, and valuing.  It is as if understanding or the lack there of is another form of judgement. It’s easy to condemn that which we do not understand. 

When did understanding become a prerequisite for compassion and kindness?  And is it necessary to value or appreciate something to accept and validate it? In our divided country it appears to me as it this is true.  Being different, having different experiences drives a wedge between people.  We saw it with Covid.  We are currently seeing it with issues and concerns surrounding the LBGTQ community. We see it with Black Lives Matter. A lack of understanding leads to a judgement.  A judgement that adds labels such as wrong, bad, evil. This reeks of arrogance and small mindedness. It is dualistic and closed.

There are so many things that I do not understood currently.  There will be even more things I do not understand in the future.  How could I understand everything?  I decided long ago, when I was inching closer to my doubts and farther from the absolutes of my faith, that it is ok to say these three little words… I don’t know.  I decided that it was ok to just not make a judgement and to stay open.  To continue to see people as valuable even if I can’t understand them. I have chosen to risk being called wishy washy or lukewarm to give myself a little more room and keep from writing others off.  Has it made me uncomfortable? You bet. 

Working through the layers of my faith, removing each layer, and carefully examining it has required a lot of my attention.  And honestly, I am weary.  But I want to stay alert, recognizing each layer as they arise. 

I made sourdough chocolate chip cookies the other day.  The secret ingredient that sets these cookies apart is not only the sourdough discard but also the brown butter.  These cookies are rich and delicious.  I keep the dough balls frozen, ready to bake a few cookies at any time.  The brown butter adds a depth of flavor that traditional chocolate chip cookies lack.  I have been making these cookies for a couple of years now and I still had to throw away the butter as it burnt while my attention was momentarily elsewhere.  I had to start all over, this time much more attentive resulting in a beautiful, rich, auburn, melted butter swirling with dark brown fragments.

As I continue the work of recognizing the unhealthy messages I received in the formation of my faith I am seeking to stay open, to pay attention, to not be so distracted by my lack of understanding that I miss the subtle transformations as they occur.  I am willing to start with “I don’t know,” leaving room for growth and change. Because the mushy middle is hard to define, and reconstruction seems like it will never come.  I intend to stay focused, carefully allowing time and space for each new opportunity and challenge.  Hopeful that in the end I am left with a richness that adds flavor and depth to my life.