You Are What You Think About

Uncovering the Questionable Truths of My Childhood

Kate Bowler’s new book, “No Cure for Being Human,” includes in the appendix a list of what she calls, “Cliches We Hear and Truths We Need.”  Cliches like, “make a bucket list,” followed by the hard truth, “life is never finished, even when it is over.”  She moves back and forth through this list from sayings we have heard our whole lives to the actual truth of the matter.  The final quote is “you are invincible” which we want to be true but on some level understand is not.  The truth, Bowler says, is there is “no cure for being human.”

I grew up on a steady diet of cliches, quippy quotes, scripture used out of context, and pithy sayings.  I see this now, that I am a fully functioning adult and can choose for myself the ideas and values that move me forward.  My mother’s philosophical and religious life is based on a plethora of one-liners that for her capture life’s truths in neat little catchy sayings. Rich and timeless sayings like, “it takes one to know one.”  and “you only dislike in others those things you dislike in yourself.” And how about my favorite “you are what you think about,” There is, of course, some truth to each of these statements.  It is only in the application and generalization to all circumstances that they become hollow and trite.

The faith of my childhood was naturally influenced by my parents.  My faith, at its roots, is full of sayings, misappropriation of beloved scriptures and what I would call a quippy quote approach to faith and empathy. It wasn’t until I was in college that I heard for the first time in a devotion by my campus minister that in fact, God doesn’t help those who help themselves, but God helps all of us because we are unable to help ourselves. This was mind blowing for me.  What other mistruths had I absorbed in my formative faith that were not even in the Bible? 

Through this process of deconstruction, I am examining by own beliefs, values, accepted dogmas and owning them for the first time.  No longer content to take everything in at face value.  This has meant for me a kind of clearing away that at times has left me searching for a solid ground.  For nearly 20 years I have been moving awkwardly and stumbling along in this process.  Tentatively stretching out my leg and calculating each step, sometimes pulling back, sometimes moving forward, but always with the full knowledge that with each gain there is also a loss.  My style has more resembled the tortoise than the hare.  I am not necessarily risk adverse because I have done some brave things, I just do them carefully.  I like to think things through, often to the point of overthinking.  I love that some people can jump in and figure it out as they go. I am just more of an ease in kind of person. I plan for every possible problem, realistically considering the costs.  I am not dissuaded from my goal; I get there in my time and often like the tortoise reach the finish line first.  I wonder sometimes, what it would be like to have the carefree abandon of the hare.  Maybe this is an area I can explore in the future, for now I am content with my slow and steady approach.

Part of looking at my faith through this deconstruction lens has been to also note the ways in which the truths, values and beliefs of my upbringing have influenced me. Throughout my childhood so many important moments were attended to with unsatisfying, unhelpful nuggets of my mother’s simplistic understanding of life.  As I sit here and begin the process of looking at this surface way of meeting real need I realize that some of these ideas are so embedding in my psyche that I am sure they impact me in ways I do not even fully recognize.

Lindsay Gibson, PsyD, in her book, “Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents” speaks to the importance of and appreciation for your own inner world.  As I have immersed myself in this book, journaling and doing the exercises she suggests, it has become obvious, the ways in which I have neglected to appreciate and value in my inner world.  As I am beginning to take note of my inner world, I am finding that I dream in color.  I am remembering my favorite childhood activities of make-believe play and daydreaming.  It amazes me that as an adult this part of me has gone largely unnoticed.  Dismissed, even as frivolous. To spend time in my inner world can feel unproductive and trivial. 

My mother must have been uncomfortable with my inner world because she could not see it and therefor, she could not control it.  Instead, she saddled me with her wisdom that made me question every thought I had.  “You are what you think about.”  This made me judge and jury over every thought and made me see my inner world as bad, unthoughtful, uncaring, wrong, and shameful. It was as if the devil himself had complete access to my 10-year-old mind and if I thought anything objectionable, it meant I had crossed over to the dark side.  I know now that thoughts come and go and that some thoughts, we literally don’t have any control over.  That is why they are called intrusive thoughts.  I was taught to believe that all my thoughts revealed my deepest self and that they said a lot about who I was as a person.  As a cognitive therapist, early in my career I informed people that they could control all of their thoughts.  This I now know was only partly true.  I am sorry for any undue confusion or pain I may have inadvertently caused.  When we try to keep ourselves from thinking of something we think it more.  Have you ever wondered why you are inevitably hungrier when you are dieting?  Trying to not think about Oreos only makes you think more about those crispy chocolate wafers with the creamy white filling in between.  Trying to control our thoughts can leave us feeling defeated and discouraged. I am not the sum of my thoughts.  The reality is that thoughts come and go, and we don’t have to give them all meaning.  We can just let them pass through.  As I have delved more into understanding the brain, I have learned that intrusive thoughts are just that, intrusive.  They are not invited, and you can learn to let them go. 

In my practice now as I work with individuals who are experiencing intrusive thoughts, I help them to accept that the thought has come and teach them how to move the thought along. I have them think of their minds like the pictures on their cell phones, I encourage them to accept all their thoughts and use their imaginary finger to swipe past the unhelpful ones. Meditation training is helpful here.  When meditating the guide will often instruct you to observe the thought as it comes in and then let it float on through.  You don’t have to sit with it.  You don’t have allow it to define you.

I am learning to allow my thoughts to come in and then pass on out. This takes practice.  Having a thought is not the problem, it is what makes us human.  Some thoughts are important and helpful, and others are not.  I am learning to not judge myself for my thoughts.  I can observe them without blame and shame.

Quippy quotes can be so damaging.  I am only just beginning to touch the surface of these one-liners that have ruled my life in ways that I am working to bring into my awareness. I understand now that I am more than the sum of my thoughts.  As someone who lives each day with anxiety, I am now able to grasp that there is a difference between my “Annie thoughts” and my “anxious thoughts.”   Perseverance and good counsel have been my saving grace in this endeavor. 

Thinking of the little girl who felt shame and disgust over thoughts that were normal and intrusive breaks my heart.  I want to wrap that little girl in my arms and tell her she is good and ok, and thoughts are just thoughts. I learned to not trust my thoughts and in turn to not trust myself.  I am starting to see that my rich inner life is a gift not a liability.  I am learning that I don’t have to be ashamed of my thoughts, they are just that, thoughts.  They don’t have any power on their own and letting them come and go has given me freedom.  

There is still much work to be done. As I uncover the clichés, the quippy quotes, the simplistic application of Scripture and other trite sayings of my childhood, I am committed to examining each of them in the context of my adult life while holding my inner child close. I will continue the process I started years ago, uncovering the truth, and learning to sit with it, with full understanding that I am not just what I think about.