Doubt as a Pathway
I came late to the Rachel Held Evans fan club. I read her book, “Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again,” in July of 2019. She had already left us at that point. I came to love her and her beautiful way of doubting and questioning. I never met her, and yet, I miss her. I count her a pioneer in this new life I am clumsily stumbling my way into. She asked the questions and voiced the doubts that I, was too afraid to even put to paper in my private journal.
Rachel gave me courage to examine my faith journey. She opened the way for me to begin the deconstruction of my own experience with God and church. I had been questioning for a long time and my doubts were always present under my faithful adherence to my role of pastor’s wife and Christian mother. One of the tethers that held me in and kept me from delving into my doubt was the fear of isolation. The fear of losing my friends, my family, and my social group. I turned my questions and doubts back on myself in the form of self-criticism. I used my doubts as a weapon against myself and the result was shame and guilt.
Doubt has been my companion for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a home where questions were not welcomed. My parents were the sole gate keepers of the “truth.” And truth was used to inform, persuade, punish, and control. I learned early on to keep quiet and keep my thoughts to myself. As a child, my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my uniqueness, all of it, was only acknowledged and accepted if it neatly aligned with that of my parents. I, unfortunately, learned to doubt myself. As I understand it now, my own self-doubt also worked against me to dampen any doubt or questions I had regarding my faith.
Doubting myself and finding it hard to trust others meant that I kept most of my thoughts, feelings, desires close to my heart. Comparing my inner self to others proved that I was wrong, bad, inept, and any other negative description my inner critic chose to throw at me.
In Brian D. McLaren’s book “Faith after Doubt” he talks about the stages of spiritual growth as Simplicity, Complexity, Perplexity and Harmony. I know there were times when, alone in my journal I would move toward Perplexity (a place of doubt) and I, so scared of losing the safety of the group would shove myself back into the earlier stages and study my Bible more, pray more, read more Christian self-help books, attend more groups and classes at church. I would do anything to go back to a place of more certainty and not have my doubts. I wanted my faith to be secure and sure. I wanted to believe the Bible literally. I could go for stretches where the nagging questions bothered me less, until they would wiggle themselves back up to the forefront.
An introvert by nature, I have relied upon authors like Rachel Held Evans and Brian D. McLaren to be my guides, my companions, and my mentors on this journey. I am so thankful their revolutionary work. They and many others are creating new pathways to experiencing Jesus. I am learning to trust my gut, to listen to my intuition, pay attention to my body, and to most importantly not let self-doubt be my guide. I am on the road, the path is a bit overgrown and not the easy way by far, but it feels real. The paradox is that by allowing myself to doubt and question, rather than fitting my fears into flimsy “right” answers, I am finding the authenticity my soul longs for. I am finding the truth.